The Future of Nursery Rhymes

ScoobyChris · 03-12-2007, 11:12

Some nursery rhymes adapted for the "modern" world (although some I remember from my school days

)

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh bu99er, it's Global Warming.

Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
"What have u got there?"
Said the pie man unto Simon
Pies you d***head.

Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its ****
and turned its wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ***
Now two of his teeth are missing.

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.

swedishskoda · 03-12-2007, 11:15

Class!

Tom_vRS · 03-12-2007, 11:56

You missed out the one about the skirt...

It was appoximately

Mary had a little skirt
with slits right up the sides
and everytime she wore it
the boys could see her thighs.
She also had a little skirt
with a slit right up the front...

... but she didn't wear that one very often.

john_grant358 · 03-12-2007, 12:21

Jack and jill went down the dairy,
Jack pulled out his big and hairy,
Jill said wow what a whopper!
Lets get down and do it propper!

gillywibble · 03-12-2007, 12:26

Love the Humpty one

john_grant358 · 03-12-2007, 12:28

Mary had a little bike,
she rod it on the grass,
But everytime the wheel went round the spoke went up her a*s!

Conshine · 03-12-2007, 12:37

Old mother Hubberd went to the cupboard to get poor rover a bone...
but when she bent over ...up popped rover...
and gave her a bone of his own.

devonutopia · 03-12-2007, 13:19

Jack and Jill went up the hill
both with a buck and a quarter
Jill came down with $2.50
The little wh*re

(courtesy of andrew dice clay)

Loz · 03-12-2007, 13:43

I like the PC nursery rhymes...

A young person of the female gender was the possessor of a small immature ruminant of the species genus Ovis, whose outermost covering reflected all wavelengths of visible light with a luminosity equal to that of a mass of naturally occurring microscopically crystalline water. Regardless of the translational path chosen by the aforesaid young person, there was a 100% probability that the aforementioned ruminant would select the same pathway.

Loz · 03-12-2007, 13:51

or Red Riding Hood lol. I remember reading one like this at college in English

There once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who
lived with her mother on the edge of a large wood. One day her
mother asked her to take a basket of fresh fruit and mineral water
to her grandmother's house -- not because this was woman's work,
mind you, but because the deed was generous and helped engender a
feeling of community. Furthermore, her grandmother was not sick,
but rather was in full physical and mental health and was fully
capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult.

So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket of food
through the woods. Many people she knew believed that the forest
was a foreboding and dangerous place and never set foot in it. Red
Riding Hood, however, was confident...

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood was
accosted by a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket. She
replied, "Some healthful snacks for my grandmother, who is
certainly capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a
little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark
offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your
traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which
has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid worldview. Now,
if you'll excuse me, I must be on my way."

Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path. But,
because his status outside society had freed him from slavish
adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a
quicker route to Grandma's house. He burst into the house and ate
Grandma, an entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as
himself. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist notions of what
was masculine or feminine, he put on grandma's nightclothes and
crawled into bed.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma,
I have brought you some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you
in your role of a wise and nurturing matriarch."

From the bed, the Wolf said softly, "Come closer, child,
so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Oh, I forgot you are as optically
challenged as a bat. Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"They have seen much, and forgiven much, my dear."

"Grandma, what a big nose you have -- only relatively, of
course, and certainly attractive in its own way."

"It has smelled much, and forgiven much, my dear."

"Grandma, what big teeth you have!"

The Wolf said, "I am happy with and what I am,"
and leaped out of bed. He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws,
intent on devouring her. Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of
alarm at the Wolf's apparent tendency toward cross-dressing, but
because of his willful invasion of her personal space.

Her screams were heard by a passing woodchopper-person
(or log-fuel technician, as he preferred to be called). When he
burst into the cottage, he saw the melee and tried to intervene.
But as he raised his ax, Red Riding and the Wolf both stopped.

"And what do you think you're doing?" asked Red Riding
Hood.
The woodchopper-person blinked and tried to answer, but
no words came to him.

"Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your
weapon to do your thinking for you!" she said. "Sexist!
Speciesist! How dare you assume that women and wolves can't solve
their own problems without a man's help!"

When she heard Red Riding Hood's speech, Grandma jumped
out of the mouth, took the woodchopper-person's axe, and cut
his head off. After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and the
Wolf felt a certain commonality of purpose. They decided to set up
an alternative household based on mutual respect and cooperation,
and they lived together in the woods happily ever after.

Goochie · 03-12-2007, 13:54

Mary had a little pig
She couldnt' stop it grunting
So she took it out the back
And kicked it's little c**t in

john_grant358 · 03-12-2007, 13:59

Quote:

Originally Posted by Goochie

Mary had a little pig
She couldnt' stop it grunting
So she took it out the back
And kicked it's little c**t in

swedishskoda · 03-12-2007, 14:19

Thanks, Loz, you've made my day! I have a vague recollection of having read Red Riding Hood (modern version) earlier, but in that case it was forgotten. Hilarious

Vix · 03-12-2007, 15:38

They are great

Basil · 03-12-2007, 15:48

more! more!

octav.ed · 03-12-2007, 16:00

swedishskoda · 03-12-2007, 16:11

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
But when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little b@st@rd.

But as always there's nothing that beats reality:

TRADITIONAL nursery rhymes are being rewritten at nursery schools to avoid causing offence to children.

Instead of singing “Baa baa, black sheep” as generations of children have learnt to do, toddlers in Oxfordshire are being taught to sing “Baa baa, rainbow sheep”.

The move, which critics will seize on as an example of political correctness, was made after the nurseries decided to re-evaluate their approach to equal opportunities.

Stuart Chamberlain, manager of the Family Centre in Abingdon and the Sure Start centre in Sutton Courtenay, Oxfordshire, told the local Courier Journal newspaper: “We have taken the equal opportunities approach to everything we do.

“This is fairly standard across nurseries. We are following stringent equal opportunities rules. No one should feel pointed out because of their race, gender or anything else.”

In keeping with the new approach, teachers at the nurseries have reportedly also changed the ending of Humpty Dumpty so as not to upset the children and dropped the seven dwarfs from the title of Snow White.

A spokesman for Ofsted, the watchdog which inspects Sure Start centres, confirmed that centres are expected to “have regard to anti-discrimination good practice” and that staff should “actively promote equality of opportunity”.

(The Times, March 7, 2006)

octav.ed · 03-12-2007, 18:56

there was a man named jimmy sprocket
whos shot to space in a rocket
the rocket went bang
his b@lls went clang
and they found his d1ck in his pocket....

mary had a little lamb,
she ate it with mint sauce,
now every where that mary goes
the lamb goes to of course...

03-12-2007, 11:12	#1
ScoobyChris Briskodian Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Andover Posts: 18,193 Members Car: Fiat Panda Thanks: 15 Thanked 335 Times in 289 Posts	The Future of Nursery Rhymes Some nursery rhymes adapted for the "modern" world (although some I remember from my school days ) Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall The structure of the wall was incorrect So he won a grand with Claims Direct. It's Raining, It's Pouring. Oh bu99er, it's Global Warming. Mary had a little lamb her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her between two chunks of bread. Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the pie man "What have u got there?" Said the pie man unto Simon Pies you d*head. Mary had a little lamb it ran into a pylon. 10,000 volts went up its and turned its wool to nylon. Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie kissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play he kissed them too cause he was gay. Jack and Jill Went up the hill And planned to do some kissing. Jack made a pass and grabbed her * Now two of his teeth are missing. Mary had a little lamb Its fleece was white and wispy. Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease And now it's black and crispy. __________________ Holding up the traffic in a little Italian..........

03-12-2007, 11:15	#2
swedishskoda Briskadoodian Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Sweden Posts: 3,089 Members Car: Felly Estate 1.6 LXi 1998 Thanks: 50 Thanked 164 Times in 150 Posts	Re: The Future of Nursery Rhymes Class!

03-12-2007, 11:56	#3
Tom_vRS Briskodaholic Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Fenland, Cambridgeshire Posts: 11,529 Members Car: '97R BMW 328i Saloon Thanks: 679 Thanked 430 Times in 307 Posts	Re: The Future of Nursery Rhymes You missed out the one about the skirt... It was appoximately Mary had a little skirt with slits right up the sides and everytime she wore it the boys could see her thighs. She also had a little skirt with a slit right up the front... ... but she didn't wear that one very often. __________________ 97/R BMW 328i in Boston Green.

03-12-2007, 12:21	#4
john_grant358 Briskodian Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,273 Members Car: 05 fabia vrs, remap 170+ bhp, PD160, silver dash kit, VRS door badges, eibach springs, Jabba ARB Thanks: 42 Thanked 40 Times in 40 Posts	Re: The Future of Nursery Rhymes Jack and jill went down the dairy, Jack pulled out his big and hairy, Jill said wow what a whopper! Lets get down and do it propper! __________________ 05 silver furby vrs, Remap, PD160, silver dash kit, eibachs, Jabba ARB, sachs clutch and very unique colour alloys!

03-12-2007, 12:26	#5
gillywibble Cuthbert Dibble Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Watching Tom peeping at Lady Godiva. Posts: 7,133 Members Car: Octavia Elegance 2.0 Tdi Thanks: 230 Thanked 261 Times in 219 Posts	Re: The Future of Nursery Rhymes Love the Humpty one __________________ I drink, therefore I spam.

03-12-2007, 12:28	#6
john_grant358 Briskodian Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,273 Members Car: 05 fabia vrs, remap 170+ bhp, PD160, silver dash kit, VRS door badges, eibach springs, Jabba ARB Thanks: 42 Thanked 40 Times in 40 Posts	Re: The Future of Nursery Rhymes Mary had a little bike, she rod it on the grass, But everytime the wheel went round the spoke went up her a*s! __________________ 05 silver furby vrs, Remap, PD160, silver dash kit, eibachs, Jabba ARB, sachs clutch and very unique colour alloys!

03-12-2007, 12:37	#7
Conshine Ho Ho Ho Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Ashford, Kent Posts: 1,901 Members Car: Silver Fabia vRS Thanks: 102 Thanked 55 Times in 55 Posts	Re: The Future of Nursery Rhymes Old mother Hubberd went to the cupboard to get poor rover a bone... but when she bent over ...up popped rover... and gave her a bone of his own. __________________ Ben

03-12-2007, 13:19	#8
devonutopia Mongreller Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: Exeter / Devon Posts: 30,078 Members Car: Skoda Fabia Mongrel Images: 5 Thanks: 75 Thanked 350 Times in 293 Posts	Re: The Future of Nursery Rhymes Jack and Jill went up the hill both with a buck and a quarter Jill came down with $2.50 The little whre (courtesy of andrew dice clay) __________________ Jason - Only a Skoda. Custom Fabia Bonnet Lifter Kits - £45! Click Me.* Cheesy bonnet lifter video to "raise me up" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMnGECEi5Oc See the mongrel's 260bhp Dyno Video!

03-12-2007, 13:43	#9
Loz Bad Loz!! Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: here..................... sometimes there........ Posts: 7,055 Members Car: LTD Edition Fabia VRS Thanks: 41 Thanked 221 Times in 73 Posts	Re: The Future of Nursery Rhymes I like the PC nursery rhymes... A young person of the female gender was the possessor of a small immature ruminant of the species genus Ovis, whose outermost covering reflected all wavelengths of visible light with a luminosity equal to that of a mass of naturally occurring microscopically crystalline water. Regardless of the translational path chosen by the aforesaid young person, there was a 100% probability that the aforementioned ruminant would select the same pathway. __________________ Lorraine- AKA Loz, Lozkins, Lozza, Lozzy, Lozlet, Lozzette, Lozzle, Lozley, Lozraine, Lozalot, Lozatron, Lozatronic, Lozatroonathoone, Lozlatina, Loztalot, Lozingtonrain, Lozinator, Lozenge, Lozenger, Lozmanaught, Lozzy Loo, Lozzybear, Lozzy-wozzy-dooh-dah-day, () CouLoz of the rainbow, Lozano, Lozvaldo, Lorraineo, Lorrainickle, Lorrainus, Lez, Lezkins, Randomer & Mizz LB Can't change the way I am, sexy, naughty, bitchy!

03-12-2007, 13:51	#10
Loz Bad Loz!! Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: here..................... sometimes there........ Posts: 7,055 Members Car: LTD Edition Fabia VRS Thanks: 41 Thanked 221 Times in 73 Posts	Re: The Future of Nursery Rhymes or Red Riding Hood lol. I remember reading one like this at college in English There once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived with her mother on the edge of a large wood. One day her mother asked her to take a basket of fresh fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house -- not because this was woman's work, mind you, but because the deed was generous and helped engender a feeling of community. Furthermore, her grandmother was not sick, but rather was in full physical and mental health and was fully capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult. So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket of food through the woods. Many people she knew believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place and never set foot in it. Red Riding Hood, however, was confident... On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood was accosted by a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket. She replied, "Some healthful snacks for my grandmother, who is certainly capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult." The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone." Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be on my way." Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path. But, because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, an entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as himself. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist notions of what was masculine or feminine, he put on grandma's nightclothes and crawled into bed. Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you in your role of a wise and nurturing matriarch." From the bed, the Wolf said softly, "Come closer, child, so that I might see you." Red Riding Hood said, "Oh, I forgot you are as optically challenged as a bat. Grandma, what big eyes you have!" "They have seen much, and forgiven much, my dear." "Grandma, what a big nose you have -- only relatively, of course, and certainly attractive in its own way." "It has smelled much, and forgiven much, my dear." "Grandma, what big teeth you have!" The Wolf said, "I am happy with and what I am," and leaped out of bed. He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws, intent on devouring her. Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of alarm at the Wolf's apparent tendency toward cross-dressing, but because of his willful invasion of her personal space. Her screams were heard by a passing woodchopper-person (or log-fuel technician, as he preferred to be called). When he burst into the cottage, he saw the melee and tried to intervene. But as he raised his ax, Red Riding and the Wolf both stopped. "And what do you think you're doing?" asked Red Riding Hood. The woodchopper-person blinked and tried to answer, but no words came to him. "Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your weapon to do your thinking for you!" she said. "Sexist! Speciesist! How dare you assume that women and wolves can't solve their own problems without a man's help!" When she heard Red Riding Hood's speech, Grandma jumped out of the mouth, took the woodchopper-person's axe, and cut his head off. After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and the Wolf felt a certain commonality of purpose. They decided to set up an alternative household based on mutual respect and cooperation, and they lived together in the woods happily ever after. __________________ Lorraine- AKA Loz, Lozkins, Lozza, Lozzy, Lozlet, Lozzette, Lozzle, Lozley, Lozraine, Lozalot, Lozatron, Lozatronic, Lozatroonathoone, Lozlatina, Loztalot, Lozingtonrain, Lozinator, Lozenge, Lozenger, Lozmanaught, Lozzy Loo, Lozzybear, Lozzy-wozzy-dooh-dah-day, () CouLoz of the rainbow, Lozano, Lozvaldo, Lorraineo, Lorrainickle, Lorrainus, Lez, Lezkins, Randomer & Mizz LB Can't change the way I am, sexy, naughty, bitchy!

03-12-2007, 13:54	#11
Goochie Briskodian Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Up a tree. Posts: 12,363 Members Car: Thanks: 7 Thanked 27 Times in 25 Posts	Re: The Future of Nursery Rhymes Mary had a little pig She couldnt' stop it grunting So she took it out the back And kicked it's little c**t in

03-12-2007, 14:19	#13
swedishskoda Briskadoodian Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Sweden Posts: 3,089 Members Car: Felly Estate 1.6 LXi 1998 Thanks: 50 Thanked 164 Times in 150 Posts	Re: The Future of Nursery Rhymes Thanks, Loz, you've made my day! I have a vague recollection of having read Red Riding Hood (modern version) earlier, but in that case it was forgotten. Hilarious

03-12-2007, 15:38	#14
Vix Briskodian Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Preston Posts: 1,318 Members Car: Fabia VRS Thanks: 15 Thanked 67 Times in 67 Posts	Re: The Future of Nursery Rhymes They are great

03-12-2007, 15:48	#15
Basil Hardcore Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Bahrain Posts: 3,255 Members Car: Fabia vRS Thanks: 200 Thanked 194 Times in 151 Posts	Re: The Future of Nursery Rhymes more! more! __________________ Fab vRS - Black Magic - PD160 intake - Forge FMIC - colour coded front grille -SLC Splitter - K&N Airfilter -SEAT Strutbrace - Jabba ARB - IC Waterspray (need to wire it in!) - 312mm TT brakes - Eibach Springs - Skoda Reversing sensors - Devonutopia Tuning (tm) Custom Exhaust (2 1/4" straight pipe) - Short shifter mod- 5 brake light mod - Helix Steel SMF + Organic Clutch + pressure plate - Peloquin LSD - TD stage 2 Hybrid - Washbrook remapped ECU - Uprated injectors - Cupra bushes -Poly-filled dogbone - Allard racepipe - Pirelli Dragons - Forge Rear Strutbrace - DIY SS upper boostpipe delete -Koni FSD's - elephant pipe CCV mod

03-12-2007, 16:00	#16
octav.ed Briskodian Join Date: May 2005 Location: belfast Posts: 3,845 Members Car: skoda octavia tdi 130 bhp [170] Thanks: 98 Thanked 64 Times in 56 Posts	Re: The Future of Nursery Rhymes __________________ when i die, bury me upside down so the world can kiss my a.s.s "I spent all my money on cars, booze and women - the rest I just wasted" - George Best. I was so poor growing up...If I wasn't born a boy..I'd have nothing to play with. -Rodney Dangerfield

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03-12-2007, 16:11	#17
swedishskoda Briskadoodian Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Sweden Posts: 3,089 Members Car: Felly Estate 1.6 LXi 1998 Thanks: 50 Thanked 164 Times in 150 Posts	Re: The Future of Nursery Rhymes Mary had a little pig, She kept it fat and plastered; But when the price of pork went up, She shot the little b@st@rd. But as always there's nothing that beats reality: TRADITIONAL nursery rhymes are being rewritten at nursery schools to avoid causing offence to children. Instead of singing “Baa baa, black sheep” as generations of children have learnt to do, toddlers in Oxfordshire are being taught to sing “Baa baa, rainbow sheep”. The move, which critics will seize on as an example of political correctness, was made after the nurseries decided to re-evaluate their approach to equal opportunities. Stuart Chamberlain, manager of the Family Centre in Abingdon and the Sure Start centre in Sutton Courtenay, Oxfordshire, told the local Courier Journal newspaper: “We have taken the equal opportunities approach to everything we do. “This is fairly standard across nurseries. We are following stringent equal opportunities rules. No one should feel pointed out because of their race, gender or anything else.” In keeping with the new approach, teachers at the nurseries have reportedly also changed the ending of Humpty Dumpty so as not to upset the children and dropped the seven dwarfs from the title of Snow White. A spokesman for Ofsted, the watchdog which inspects Sure Start centres, confirmed that centres are expected to “have regard to anti-discrimination good practice” and that staff should “actively promote equality of opportunity”. (The Times, March 7, 2006)

03-12-2007, 18:56	#18
octav.ed Briskodian Join Date: May 2005 Location: belfast Posts: 3,845 Members Car: skoda octavia tdi 130 bhp [170] Thanks: 98 Thanked 64 Times in 56 Posts	Re: The Future of Nursery Rhymes there was a man named jimmy sprocket whos shot to space in a rocket the rocket went bang his b@lls went clang and they found his d1ck in his pocket.... mary had a little lamb, she ate it with mint sauce, now every where that mary goes the lamb goes to of course... __________________ when i die, bury me upside down so the world can kiss my a.s.s "I spent all my money on cars, booze and women - the rest I just wasted" - George Best. I was so poor growing up...If I wasn't born a boy..I'd have nothing to play with. -Rodney Dangerfield

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