anonymouse

The Hit Man
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! That bitch!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been gobby, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his **** off to teach him a lesson."

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand ....."
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Never Good Enough A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only”. Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.

“We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: “All the men here have it short and thin.” The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here have it long and thin.” Still, this isn’t good enough so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here have it short and thick.” They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here have it long and thick.” The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”
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Birds and The Bees, 2007 Edition Junior asks his dad, “Daddy, how was I born?”

His dad sighs and replies, “Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway! Well, you see, your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We snuck into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button.

Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS.

Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said:

“You’ve Got Male!”
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Sperm Count An 85-year-old man went to his doctor’s office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: “Well, doc, it’s like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”

The old man replied, “Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn’t get the jar open.”
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A parents pride 3 old friends from school get together at a bar and star bragging about their sons acomplishments.

the first ones goes, so my son is a very succesfull lawyer he's 28 and already made a fortune in fact he's doing so well that he, out of the goodness of his heart gave as a gift to his best friend, a trip around the world, a brand new lamborghini, and a beach house.

the second friend not to be outdone interrupts, well that's nothing my son is 27 and he's the founder and CEO of his very own company wich is doing remarcably well, just to give you an idea of how well he is doing he just gave HIS best friend as a gift, a yacht, and a 10 bedroom mansion with a pool, just cause he felt like it.

both men then turn to the third friend and ask what about your son how's he doing, the man reply's,

my son, my son, my son is a lazy good for nothing 29 year old he sits in the house all day, and at night he partys and drinks like there is no tomorrow, He's gay, and to top it all off he has 2 boyfriends. and they just bought him, a lamborghini, a yacht, a trip around the world, a beach house and a mansion for his lazy a*s.
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"Stupidity, if left untreated, is self-correcting." - Heinlein

vRSLen

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Previous: Black MKI Octavia vRS Combi
Black Fabia Elegance 100 BHP

ric04vrs

at the 1st 2nd and 3rd jokes

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not so bored now

apd007

Couple of classics there, though love the Birds and the Bees 2007 one.

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slackbladder

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oilburninnut

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Gary
www.dogboxmedia.co.uk