simontreen

A tourist is driving around Dublin when he sees a sign in front of a house that says "Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes," the Lab replies.

"So, what's the story?"

The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.

"Ten euros," the man says.

"Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh!t"

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Si

ScoobyChris

Chris

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Holding up the traffic in a little Italian..........

Loz

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Lorraine- AKA Loz, Lozkins, Lozza, Lozzy, Lozlet, Lozzette, Lozzle, Lozley, Lozraine, Lozalot, Lozatron, Lozatronic, Lozatroonathoone, Lozlatina, Loztalot, Lozingtonrain, Lozinator, Lozenge, Lozenger, Lozmanaught, Lozzy Loo, Lozzybear, Lozzy-wozzy-dooh-dah-day, () CouLoz of the rainbow, Lozano, Lozvaldo, Lorraineo, Lorrainickle, Lorrainus, Lez, Lezkins, Randomer & Mizz LB
Can't change the way I am, sexy, naughty, bitchy!

vRSLen

Another:

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about
problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the
form, then the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that
ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked
with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.

By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never,
ever, had an accident!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in the cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: The number 3 engine is missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one saved for last......

P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

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Black Fabia Elegance 100 BHP