skodagirl1985

Just wondering if anyone else finds this that there parents don't seem to understand them when somethings bothering you and when you try to explain you get the third degree.

Interphase

Most people, I'd say

I'm a youth worker, concentrating on the 13-21 age range, and it's something I see quite often. I remember feeling the same, but seeing it from the other side has led me to believe that it's often because they want to help but don't know how to say it, or that they feel out of their depth.

One of the hardest things to do is to stay quiet and just listen if you think the person you're talking to might be suffering. Questions stemming from uncertainty and concern often manifest as pushiness, and that starts a kind of emotional arms race where you feel less like talking to them because you're under pressure, and they want to know more because they feel like they're letting it slip.

There is a technique called 'framing the problem' where you lay down the terms of the conversation before you start, and that can often help because it defuses the initial tension. You could say something like 'Have you got a few minutes to talk? I'm having a hard time of things at the moment and I don't expect you to feel you have to come up with answers because I have to work things out for myself, but I would appreciate just having someone to talk to'. It's not guaranteed to work, but it means that you're control of the situation and if it steps outside that frame then you can refer back to it - 'like I said earlier, I really need to work things out for myself but thanks for your ideas' etc.

Loz

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smstext

me and my mum are too alike we can go for months where we dont speak cos neither of us wants to back down.

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pixi

My mum is on another planet!

Seriously, try the suggestion above. But if it doesn't work, maybe it's time to realise that sometimes you have to accept people how they are. You cannot change people, but you can change how you react to them and the situation.

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TeflonTom

i suppose it depends on what context it is.... or to put it another way, how far over the line you have stepped??

SJFISHER67

Well my parents have on and off days, a lot of the time they are absolutely fine, but with me, when I am annoyed or want some 'me' time they get right in my face, and try to question me. That really annoys, as for them understanding me. NO!

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skodagirl1985

I think my Mum is too. Maybe from another planet too.

Vix

My Mum can read me like a book

sinister sheep

mums learnt to read me very well she knows when i need to talk but knows i will go to her when and only when im ready to ask for help. i used to hate my mum when i was younger from not being able to do the things i wanted, but i now realise that she was trying to protect me from making the mistakes she made. usually parents say the things we dont want too hear cause they are normally the truth. thankfully though mums more like my best friend than a mother, and i can ask or tell her any thing and she might not always have the answers but she will always listen, and shout at me if ive done stupid things.. then i feel like im 5 again.

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pixi

Please don't take this the wrong way, it is meant to be constructive.

It seems from your posts that you are quite young and are allowing your mum to have quite an inflluence over your life still, which from your posts suggest that this is not always to your liking. For example, it appeared that you blame your mum for pushing you to go to the dentist and you ending up with what you felt was a large bill. The decision to go to the dentist was yours and you have to take responsibility for your decisions.

I may be wrong, this is just what I'm picking up on from your various posts/threads about how unhappy or frustrated your mum can make you feel. The realisation that parents are just people and not the perfect protectors or attachment figures is an incredibly hard thing to take on board.

This may just be a one off for you, expressing how frustrated she may make you feel? Only you can answer that. If however you feel you need to change things dramatically to find your own peace, then can I suggest you give this book a go? It's called 'Toxic Parents; Overcoming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming your life' It has received really good reviews.

Again, please take this opinion in the way it is meant.

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Lance

Very well put Pixi. And spot on IMO.

Lance

skodagirl1985

Sorry didn't mean it to sort a relate to other threads. What I was meaning by it is I can't seem to talk to my parents about important thinks because they just don't seem to understand what i'm going through at moment don't want go into detail but because I can't do this it makes great tention in the house. I have tried but I have got nowhere.

Yes I admit I am blaming my Mum for alot of things at the moment. Over past few months some of the things that have been said to me have really hurt. But it will take time for me to work my way through it all.

Where do you get that book 'Toxic Parents' from might get a copy to read? Would I just pick it up in a big book store?

KenONeill

10s on Amazon Hannah Amazon.co.uk: Toxic Parents

Pixi & Lance, I see where you're both coming from but there's a whole back story as to why Hannah feels like this on here.

pixi

I don't doubt that for a second Ken. It's from Hannah's posts and threads since she has been a member that I make my assumptions. They are just assumptions as I said in my previous post but what has been posted in the past speaks volumes to me and paints a complicated picture.

Parents can frustrate the heck out of you. They can also not live up to expectation and we can feel let down in many ways when our parents don't come through for us or understand us. They can have a hand in shaping us to be the people we grow into and obviously this can be good or bad or they can just plain **** you up.

Hannah's mum may not change her own behaviour, but responding differently to her mother and feeling more in control of her life may give her some inner peace on the situation.

If nothing is done, then nothing can be achieved. I hope you find the book useful

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djswivel

I've never been able to have a "proper" conversation with my parents. We pass pleasantries, and discuss the weather but never a real conversation. So you're not alone, and hopefully the bad times will pass. Good luck!

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Browny_37

I've always been well supported by my parents and they have been quite reasonable, but some of the times i feel like i should have found out my own way.
I've gone against what they have advised sometimes and they have sometimes been absolutely spot on. But i've looked at the situations and the ppl i was hanging about with, and come to realise i was in with the wrong crowd and ducked out before it got me into trouble (Was a bit of a bust up at a house party and i got caught in the middle of it when glasses was flying) Luckily i wasn't injured badly, shook up more than anything.

But there's times i've felt. That i've needed support or someone to talk to, but no one apart from the gf has been interested.
Leaves me a little stressed and dont know where to turn to, because i dont like telling the gf because it upsets her seeing me upset.

I can appreciate my parents and other ppl have there own problems, but i seem to be a target for them to take there stress out on.

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KenONeill

Ok Pixi. The basic picture I'd got was one of "daughter not living up to what, these days, are not always realistic expectations" (like permanent employment, being able to stay moved out once you had).

skodagirl1985

Iknow how you feel here. I feel the same like.

pittVRS

There's no better way of getting on better with your parents than moving out. Easier said than done, i know, but moving out and striking out on your own is the best thing ever.

Good luck.

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Leodhasach

Agreed. Compared to many folk I know, I get on reasonably well with my parents-however, there are of course always misunderstandings or arguments.

Much of this is down to my dad and I being ridiculously similar people: Unfortunately, we're both stubborn...so clashes are inevitable. As for my mum, well whenever I want to talk, she's too busy, but when I need privacy or room to think, relax, rest or reflect, she won't leave me alone.

I'm lucky though. With any luck I'll be moving to Glasgow in January for a marine engineering cadetship, and this means that my own terms won't be affected, and will be MINE alone. Having said that, I'm not going to sever contact with home. This just means that the arguments will be fewer and easily controlled and forgotten, but the love will still be there! Less is often more.

Good luck with everything.

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Browny_37

I want to!

But its not something i can manage, the gf is at college and the majority of her pay goes on her car, to make life easier for her considering her health.

Im just stuck in one of those moods where i feel like crying and theres no one around for support.
People only seem interested in them selfs.
Im just left feeling depressed the majority of the days, so much the fact that i've just drank near on 2 litres of lager to try and settle me down.
My minds having nothing of it though!

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matt@theforce

I was in a similar situation when I was much younger, I never got on with my dad to the point we would sometimes go weeks/months without saying a word and if we did the words were always non-repeatable and not for general conversation. My mum always seemed to be in the middle and always tried her best to sort us both out but most of the time it didn't work and my dad and I used to vent off and sometimes react towards her like we did to each other. SWMBO and I were dating at the time and without her I doubt I would be here today as I felt the only way out was to dis-appear because I couldn't do anything right and never listened to advise or did as I was told (real Kevin and Perry stuff).

Once I had finished College and got my 1st job I moved out of home the very next day and was lucky enough to move in with my cousin who had a close relationship with my parents and that acted as a great 1st step out of home giving me my own space but still allowing my parents to have an eye on me to make sure I was OK. Within a few more more months SWMBO and I had saved enough money to get our 1st rented house together, at 1st it was strange having parents round and being able to say "while your staying here it's our house, our rules" we had moved nearly 200miles away so they had to stay with us or my cousin.

I think both my parents and myself learnt so much about each other in the 1st year of living apart and our relationship has never been stronger 11 years on. My dad and I will now ring each other for no reason what so ever but to see what they're upto and to put the world to rights .

We still have our odd moment when parent's know best and I will recieve a lecture for something (usually about modding the car ) but now as a father myself I can only now fully appreciate why they did & what they did and said to me as a child/teenager and hope that I too can steer my children in the right direction and I have to admit I am very scared of how my relationship with my two boys may end up as I can see so much of myself in them just like I can see so much of myself in my dad.

I think the biggest achievement we have all made is to forgive and forget our past to a certain extent, there was alot more difficulties in the background & not just a stubborn father and son relationship which I am not going to go into on a forum.

I can't speak for your situation Hannah but hang on in there, you are only young and you have the best years of your life still to come.

Remember, Life is what you make it

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philc

A bit of Philip Larkin Poetry, from another thread on here:

'They f*** you up, your Mum and Dad,
They may not mean to, but they do'

Seems to fit the situation!


Phil

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skodagirl1985