friend in need of help

big k · 09-10-2007, 22:09

long story so i'll try and keep it as short as possible, i have a friend

he's been married for 10 years and has a son, he loves his wife and son and would do anything for them even die for them (as anyone would), he has a good job and a nice house and lives fairly comfortably. now here's the problem approx 18 years ago he met a girl and fell in love with her at first sight,they have kept in touch over the years and have become very good close friends in the last couple of years and see each other daily, now my friend has always kept his feelings to himself regarding this girl but has always loved her madly, not so long back after a drunken text conversation he let slip his feelings for her and to his astonishment she revealled that she felt the same way(he had absoulutly no idea that she felt this way just thought that he was a good friend) he is now stuck between a pillar and post as what to do.

key facts are these...
1. he loves his wife and child and doesn't want to hurt them in anyway and doesn't want to leave them financially insecure.
2. he loves this other girl so bad it hurts.
3. he doesn't want to split up the newly relationship that the girl has just formed
4. it draws him to tears thinking about "what the hell he's gonna do"
5. he's thought about "ending it all" but that aint an option as he just can't leave his child fatherless, or upset both the women that he loves, neither will his life insurance pay out to his wife.

anybody out there been in same situation that wants to share some good advise to him (he knows that only he can make the decission) but would like to hear from anyone that has been through it.

**VRStu** · 09-10-2007, 22:17

Christ Karl that's a bit deep mate.

I would have thought that your friend, as hard as it may seem, would be better if he could put the third party out of his mind. It's not an ideal resolution but given the all parties appear to be in reasonably happy relationships it would probably mean that the least number of people are hurt.

Ending it all is never an option - Your friend is a better person than that.

The one thing that does stand out though is that your friend doesn't say he actually wants to stay with his wife, albeit that he does love her dearly.

gadgetman · 09-10-2007, 22:18

Not going to preach about responsibilities. It's obv these are understood.

BUT, you cant always control who you fall in love with. I'd have to say, that the question needs asking. Is it love or lust? (coming from boredom in the marriage)

Only this person can decide, as whatever happens will have far reaching implications which ever path is chosen - and as we all know the path we choose isnt always the right one!

What I would say though is pick one or the other. "You cant have your cake AND eat it without the devil asking for his share" as a fortune cookie once told me

big k · 09-10-2007, 22:33

[quote=VRStu;1047491]I would have thought that your friend, as hard as it may seem, would be better if he could put the third party out of his mind. It's not an ideal resolution but given the all parties appear to be in reasonably happy relationships it would probably mean that the least number of people are hurt.

It Just isn't that easy for him
[quote=VRStu;1047491]
Ending it all is never an option - Your friend is a better person than that.

Don't think he'd ever do that

Quote:

Originally Posted by VRStu

The one thing that does stand out though is that your friend doesn't say he actually wants to stay with his wife, albeit that he does love her dearly.

Hmmm.. No he didn't did he.

big k · 09-10-2007, 22:36

Quote:

Originally Posted by gadgetman

What I would say though is pick one or the other. "You cant have your cake AND eat it without the devil asking for his share" as a fortune cookie once told me

He would never do That "have he's cake and eat it" he just wouldn't do that to either of the women involved he's just not like that

anonymouse · 09-10-2007, 22:54

Better the 'devil you know' - and that is not to disparage his wife in any way.
His wife has stood by him all these years, has had his son, done so much for and with him.

The other woman, in many ways, is a 'fantasy object'.
How does he know what she is actually like to live with - short term, or more to the point, long term ?
If he left his family he'd be severely damaging two lives - and then might discover the other woman is a total b*tch in reality.

big k · 09-10-2007, 23:03

Quote:

Originally Posted by anonymouse

Better the 'devil you know' - and that is not to disparage his wife in any way.
His wife has stood by him all these years, has had his son, done so much for and with him.

he's been the other half in the marrige and has obviously done the same.....apart from give birth that is

big k · 09-10-2007, 23:05

Quote:

Originally Posted by anonymouse

and then might discover the other woman is a total b*tch in reality.

He might not think so and does he spend his whole life wondering and beating himself up over it?

anonymouse · 09-10-2007, 23:12

Quote:

Originally Posted by big k

he's been the other half in the marrige and has obviously done the same.....apart from give birth that is

Yes, pretty obviously, but the other woman is sooo much an unknown quantity when it comes to a long-term relationship.

As I said, he could severely damage two peoples lives, go live with this other woman and find all was not hunky-dory. And then, if his wife had any sense, not be able to resurrect the marriage - or if she did let him back there'd always be mistrust.

I've seen quite a few guys do this (honestly) and on every single ocassion they've ended up worse off emotionally, not to mention financially.

The grass is always greener etc......

Do not envy the guy one iota - between a rock and a hard place comes to mind.
The 'final' solution, though - is no solution at all, again would severely damage two people's lives.

Loz · 09-10-2007, 23:37

How old is the kid? Old enough to cope or young enough not to understand? Or inbetween where it may be a bit harder?

mac67 · 10-10-2007, 06:41

Karl, you must do what any good mate would do, sleep with the girl he has fallen for then he will never look at her again! Problem solved!

big k · 10-10-2007, 08:26

Quote:

Originally Posted by Loz

How old is the kid? Old enough to cope or young enough not to understand? Or inbetween where it may be a bit harder?

8 years old

Goochie · 10-10-2007, 08:32

A friend of mine has recently been in a similar situation - he's been with his wife for a number of years but recently met someone else who he fell for hook-line-and-sinker.

He's been saying how difficult it is doing the "right thing" as it is very easy to give advice on someone elses relationship but feels so very different when its your own life.

I think the question of "love or lust" that someone asked above is the most important one to ask.

Beretta · 10-10-2007, 08:42

Sounds just like another "Friends Reunited" situation, a long lost love comes back on the scene and all the memory's from that part of your life come flooding back, and you look at everything through rose coloured specs, but in reality there is only one person to consider in all of this, and that is the eight year old totally innocent child, who is about to get their world turned upside down.
Why, if she had these feelings all along, did she not say so years ago, or is just that her relationship is now going through a rough patch, and she see's this as the easy way out?
Personal opinion, his wife has been there for him for for ten years, they have a house a son and if they work at it, all the things a marriage needs, , too many these days just take the easy option, and walk away, but he ask himself if it will be any different after the gloss wears off, and they realise what they have done and who they have hurt.

Having just had our ruby wedding (40 bloody years) last June, I know more than most that it isnt always a bed of roses, but if you work at it, then there are real rewards.

Having said all this, and getting the opinions of others,there is only still one person who is going to make the decision. Rightly or wrongly.

swedishskoda · 10-10-2007, 09:01

My sympathies.

I've never been in your friend's position but in something along the same line (15 years ago). Big difference no children involved (and that's a really big difference).

What happened was that I broke the existing relationship and went for the new.

For me (and everyone else involved) it worked out just fine. I'm happily married, and my ex girlfriend is married too, with a really nice guy, having a kid...

With afterthought I can see that I didn't really love my ex as much as I thought then.

But I remember how awful it was to come up with a decision. Being at my wit's end I even sought professional counselling from a psychotherapist. That could be something for your mate - disussing the matter with a professional that listens with empathy but who isn't personally involved (as mates always are).

I do not doubt that your friend loves his kid and also cares a lot for his wife but maybe he should make sure for himself that it's true love and not "just" caring.

But if it's love, mature and lasting love (but without the thrill of novelty) then IMHO he should consider to split up the new relationship.

Stuart_J · 10-10-2007, 09:10

If he truly loves her then he dosent need to ask, he will know the answer, hes just trying to find others to convince him hes right, YOU MUST NOT telll him what you would do, he has to make the decision himself.

You know what they both look like, is it lust ????

Re the drunken text conversation, is that all he is basing this on or was there more

Has he thought of councilling, relate are good & you can go without your partner knowing.

Lastly is he 40 something, thats the age when many people question their whole life

Goochie · 10-10-2007, 10:15

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stuart_J

Lastly is he 40 something, thats the age when many people question their whole life

Could he not buy a Lotus Elise or an MX5? This seems to be a common "cure" in this situation.

swedishskoda · 10-10-2007, 10:25

Or maybe a Monaro

- honestly, I think we all should remember that we're in the Hotel here. Maybe another thread in another place about how males deal with coming into maturity?

ap0gee · 10-10-2007, 10:30

Would it help your friend to consider the third party as an ex? There are certain aspects of the relationships I had with my exes that may or may not be better than the relationship SWMBO and I have (and I'm sure the same applies to SWMBO too!) But at the end of the day, those relationships were previous chapters of my life, so just like I miss certain other aspects of my life when I was younger, I'm still happy where I am now, and on balance wouldn't want to go back.

Now, I realise the third party isn't an ex of your friend; she's a "what-if", but even so, their mutual attraction is based on a mental picture each has of the other. Part of the reason I made the 'on balance...' statement about my situation is that I know the up-sides and the down-sides of my previous circumstances and relationships, so am happy that I'm better of overall now than I was then. Your friend only sees the up-sides, so would be putting a lot of faith in his mental picture. I reckon a session in front of 'Brief Encounter' should see him right!

(Ooh, aren't I in touch with my feminine side?!

)

Goochie · 10-10-2007, 11:09

Evaluating wether the grass is actually greener on the other side of the fence can be very difficult.

We can all sit here discussing things and at the end of the day I think most of us will come to the same conclusion and offer pretty similar advice.

A 'friend' of mine was recently in a similar situation and freely said that whilst he knew what he'd say if he was asked the question, it was so much harder when it was his own life. In his case he decided to stay on his side of the fence, because one patch of grass is pretty much like the next - and he can always keep looking over the fence and stay friends with the other party.

In your case, they've clearly lived apart for some years without being a couple, and the guy has even married and started a family with another woman - so if he claims he loves this other girl - is he sure he doesnt "love her like a sister" (no, dont go there - you know what I mean)

ZootyRS · 10-10-2007, 11:25

The problem the original guy has is that he and the "other woman" have expressed their feelings for each other. I'm not sure it'll be possible to just be friends now - which they probably could have been had feelings not been shared. It may have to be all or nothing.

As mentioned before, the love or lust question is key. In my limited experience the "so much it hurts" thing is usually lust. Love is different.

Stuart_J · 10-10-2007, 11:33

Quote:

Originally Posted by ZootyRS

The problem the original guy has is that he and the "other woman" have expressed their feelings for each other. I'm not sure it'll be possible to just be friends now - which they probably could have been had feelings not been shared. It may have to be all or nothing.

As mentioned before, the love or lust question is key. In my limited experience the "so much it hurts" thing is usually lust. Love is different.

Yep Love is different, If its love then he will know, Love is a mental thing, 2 people feeling as one etc, pardon the pun but lust is skin deep

gadgetman · 10-10-2007, 21:01

Quote:

Originally Posted by Goochie

because one patch of grass is pretty much like the next

Some is left wild, some neatly trimmed, others the grass is removed!

*applies mind bleech*

big k · 14-10-2007, 00:02

My friend thanks all of you for there thoughtful comments, He was never looking for an answer to be told what to do, he realises that only he can decide, he opened up and broke down the other day,now he's middle thirty's but thinks old school (men don't cry or show there feelings, and has a big big problem showing he's feelings they all lay inside of him and are unable to reach his mouth)He says that he's mentaly exhausted by all this, he feels that he has gone through hell and back going this way and then the next, he's gone through guilt,saddness,worthlessness,wished the ground would just open up and swallow him up, he looks at his 8 year old son and thinks to himself why an earth did you deserve to have a Ahole for dad for feeling the way he does, he also does the same for his wife,It was never a question of love or lust he doesn't give a flying F what any of them look like, just wanted/still does be apart of there lives share all the good/bad times etc.My friend has never even kissed a girl whilst being married let alone gone all the way (old school comes in again) although he has had many many opportunities. With all the things going on in the world today and ppl's with much bigger probs as he, he also feels embarresed that he should feel unhappy/moaning about such a trivial event. The girl in question's relationship is going ok and was never ment to be a kop out of that, as mentioned in a thread, (she has her reasons for telling him she feels the same) she has infact told my friend that she never ever wanted to get in the way of his marrige and that they should work on there marrige to make it good(btw he's marrige is o.k he would say he's neither happy or unhappy in it). To cut a long story short he's spoken to the "other woman" as much as he could (given he's inability to express him self) and thinks they have agreed to have there own lives and if they ever meet up in the middle by any chance then sobeit. He's still very emotional about it but hopes with time he can put this behind him.

sorry about the long post ... my fingers are hurting now... once again my friend thanks all of you for your input in this very hard time for him.

Stuart_J · 14-10-2007, 06:11

Good call

The grass always appears greener on the other side, odds are it isnt

09-10-2007, 22:09	#1
big k Briskodian Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: u.k Posts: 1,215 Members Car: that would be telling Thanks: 1 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post	friend in need of help long story so i'll try and keep it as short as possible, i have a friend he's been married for 10 years and has a son, he loves his wife and son and would do anything for them even die for them (as anyone would), he has a good job and a nice house and lives fairly comfortably. now here's the problem approx 18 years ago he met a girl and fell in love with her at first sight,they have kept in touch over the years and have become very good close friends in the last couple of years and see each other daily, now my friend has always kept his feelings to himself regarding this girl but has always loved her madly, not so long back after a drunken text conversation he let slip his feelings for her and to his astonishment she revealled that she felt the same way(he had absoulutly no idea that she felt this way just thought that he was a good friend) he is now stuck between a pillar and post as what to do. key facts are these... 1. he loves his wife and child and doesn't want to hurt them in anyway and doesn't want to leave them financially insecure. 2. he loves this other girl so bad it hurts. 3. he doesn't want to split up the newly relationship that the girl has just formed 4. it draws him to tears thinking about "what the hell he's gonna do" 5. he's thought about "ending it all" but that aint an option as he just can't leave his child fatherless, or upset both the women that he loves, neither will his life insurance pay out to his wife. anybody out there been in same situation that wants to share some good advise to him (he knows that only he can make the decission) but would like to hear from anyone that has been through it. __________________ how can me find a jet engine for me rapid ?

09-10-2007, 22:17	#2
VRStu Txt Spk Police Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Hampshire Posts: 20,840 Members Car: Audi S3 Thanks: 145 Thanked 998 Times in 894 Posts	Re: friend in need of help Christ Karl that's a bit deep mate. I would have thought that your friend, as hard as it may seem, would be better if he could put the third party out of his mind. It's not an ideal resolution but given the all parties appear to be in reasonably happy relationships it would probably mean that the least number of people are hurt. Ending it all is never an option - Your friend is a better person than that. The one thing that does stand out though is that your friend doesn't say he actually wants to stay with his wife, albeit that he does love her dearly. __________________ Stu Stu's Websites - http://www.fabia-vrs.com & http://www.octavia-vrs.com Stu's Car - 2008 Audi S3 - Ibis White, Black Optics Pack, Privacy Glass, Auto Bi Xenon Headlights, Rain Sensing Wipers, Bose Sound System, Ipod Prep, GSM Phone Prep, Flat Bottom Multi Function Steering Wheel, Electric Folding Mirrors, Acoustic Parking, Cruise Control, Interior Light Pack, Non Smokers Pack. SWMBO's Car - 2008 Seat LEON TDi Stylance, Black Magic, Sports Pack, Rear Parking Sensors. Something for Weekend - A Patio

09-10-2007, 22:18	#3
gadgetman Go Gadget Octy! Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 3,387 Members Car: Thanks: 219 Thanked 117 Times in 110 Posts	Re: friend in need of help Not going to preach about responsibilities. It's obv these are understood. BUT, you cant always control who you fall in love with. I'd have to say, that the question needs asking. Is it love or lust? (coming from boredom in the marriage) Only this person can decide, as whatever happens will have far reaching implications which ever path is chosen - and as we all know the path we choose isnt always the right one! What I would say though is pick one or the other. "You cant have your cake AND eat it without the devil asking for his share" as a fortune cookie once told me __________________ Lick the window of life Why not join the Briskoda Last.fm group?

09-10-2007, 22:54	#6
anonymouse Nuts Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Greater Manchester Posts: 8,452 Members Car: Fabia vRS Thanks: 152 Thanked 258 Times in 192 Posts	Re: friend in need of help Better the 'devil you know' - and that is not to disparage his wife in any way. His wife has stood by him all these years, has had his son, done so much for and with him. The other woman, in many ways, is a 'fantasy object'. How does he know what she is actually like to live with - short term, or more to the point, long term ? If he left his family he'd be severely damaging two lives - and then might discover the other woman is a total b*tch in reality. __________________ "Stupidity, if left untreated, is self-correcting." - Heinlein

09-10-2007, 23:37	#10
Loz Bad Loz!! Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: here..................... sometimes there........ Posts: 7,055 Members Car: LTD Edition Fabia VRS Thanks: 41 Thanked 221 Times in 73 Posts	Re: friend in need of help How old is the kid? Old enough to cope or young enough not to understand? Or inbetween where it may be a bit harder? __________________ Lorraine- AKA Loz, Lozkins, Lozza, Lozzy, Lozlet, Lozzette, Lozzle, Lozley, Lozraine, Lozalot, Lozatron, Lozatronic, Lozatroonathoone, Lozlatina, Loztalot, Lozingtonrain, Lozinator, Lozenge, Lozenger, Lozmanaught, Lozzy Loo, Lozzybear, Lozzy-wozzy-dooh-dah-day, () CouLoz of the rainbow, Lozano, Lozvaldo, Lorraineo, Lorrainickle, Lorrainus, Lez, Lezkins, Randomer & Mizz LB Can't change the way I am, sexy, naughty, bitchy!

10-10-2007, 06:41	#11
mac67 Mmm Skodacious! Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: West Cumbria Posts: 896 Members Car: '04 Fabia VRS in Black magic, re-mapped to 180bhp, goes like **** off a stick! Thanks: 48 Thanked 27 Times in 25 Posts	Re: friend in need of help Karl, you must do what any good mate would do, sleep with the girl he has fallen for then he will never look at her again! Problem solved! __________________ If this post can be interpreted in two different ways, it was meant the good way! Fabia VRS 180 Angel Tuning re-map, Jabbasports rear ARB, PD160 air intake pipe and Green cotton air filter, Millers Diesel Power Sport 4 fuel additive, Briskoda sticker (front and rear windscreen), Navman F20, set of Rosary beads blessed by the pope!

10-10-2007, 08:32	#13
Goochie Briskodian Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Up a tree. Posts: 12,363 Members Car: Thanks: 7 Thanked 27 Times in 25 Posts	Re: friend in need of help A friend of mine has recently been in a similar situation - he's been with his wife for a number of years but recently met someone else who he fell for hook-line-and-sinker. He's been saying how difficult it is doing the "right thing" as it is very easy to give advice on someone elses relationship but feels so very different when its your own life. I think the question of "love or lust" that someone asked above is the most important one to ask.

10-10-2007, 08:42	#14
Beretta SMOGUS MAXIMUS Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Essex Posts: 2,630 Members Car: Toyota Auris SR180 Thanks: 50 Thanked 75 Times in 72 Posts	Re: friend in need of help Sounds just like another "Friends Reunited" situation, a long lost love comes back on the scene and all the memory's from that part of your life come flooding back, and you look at everything through rose coloured specs, but in reality there is only one person to consider in all of this, and that is the eight year old totally innocent child, who is about to get their world turned upside down. Why, if she had these feelings all along, did she not say so years ago, or is just that her relationship is now going through a rough patch, and she see's this as the easy way out? Personal opinion, his wife has been there for him for for ten years, they have a house a son and if they work at it, all the things a marriage needs, , too many these days just take the easy option, and walk away, but he ask himself if it will be any different after the gloss wears off, and they realise what they have done and who they have hurt. Having just had our ruby wedding (40 bloody years) last June, I know more than most that it isnt always a bed of roses, but if you work at it, then there are real rewards. Having said all this, and getting the opinions of others,there is only still one person who is going to make the decision. Rightly or wrongly. __________________ Skoda performance was "IMPOSSIBLE", now its Japanese and 177 bhp and 295 lb ft torque of SMOG. Gerry "HONI SOIT QUI MAL Y PENSE"

10-10-2007, 09:01	#15
swedishskoda Briskadoodian Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Sweden Posts: 3,087 Members Car: Felly Estate 1.6 LXi 1998 Thanks: 50 Thanked 164 Times in 150 Posts	Re: friend in need of help My sympathies. I've never been in your friend's position but in something along the same line (15 years ago). Big difference no children involved (and that's a really big difference). What happened was that I broke the existing relationship and went for the new. For me (and everyone else involved) it worked out just fine. I'm happily married, and my ex girlfriend is married too, with a really nice guy, having a kid... With afterthought I can see that I didn't really love my ex as much as I thought then. But I remember how awful it was to come up with a decision. Being at my wit's end I even sought professional counselling from a psychotherapist. That could be something for your mate - disussing the matter with a professional that listens with empathy but who isn't personally involved (as mates always are). I do not doubt that your friend loves his kid and also cares a lot for his wife but maybe he should make sure for himself that it's true love and not "just" caring. But if it's love, mature and lasting love (but without the thrill of novelty) then IMHO he should consider to split up the new relationship.

10-10-2007, 09:10	#16
Stuart_J Briskodian Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Winchester Posts: 5,709 Members Car: Nissan 350Z Twin Turbo Also Octavia 1.9 TDI L&K & Superb td 140 Thanks: 39 Thanked 85 Times in 78 Posts	Re: friend in need of help If he truly loves her then he dosent need to ask, he will know the answer, hes just trying to find others to convince him hes right, YOU MUST NOT telll him what you would do, he has to make the decision himself. You know what they both look like, is it lust ???? Re the drunken text conversation, is that all he is basing this on or was there more Has he thought of councilling, relate are good & you can go without your partner knowing. Lastly is he 40 something, thats the age when many people question their whole life __________________ Speed is an addiction for which thankfully there is no cure

10-10-2007, 10:25	#18
swedishskoda Briskadoodian Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Sweden Posts: 3,087 Members Car: Felly Estate 1.6 LXi 1998 Thanks: 50 Thanked 164 Times in 150 Posts	Re: friend in need of help Or maybe a Monaro - honestly, I think we all should remember that we're in the Hotel here. Maybe another thread in another place about how males deal with coming into maturity?

10-10-2007, 10:30	#19
ap0gee ASZ Eternal Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Leafy Chesh-shire Posts: 6,837 Members Car: Black Magic Fabia vRS Thanks: 345 Thanked 362 Times in 313 Posts	Re: friend in need of help Would it help your friend to consider the third party as an ex? There are certain aspects of the relationships I had with my exes that may or may not be better than the relationship SWMBO and I have (and I'm sure the same applies to SWMBO too!) But at the end of the day, those relationships were previous chapters of my life, so just like I miss certain other aspects of my life when I was younger, I'm still happy where I am now, and on balance wouldn't want to go back. Now, I realise the third party isn't an ex of your friend; she's a "what-if", but even so, their mutual attraction is based on a mental picture each has of the other. Part of the reason I made the 'on balance...' statement about my situation is that I know the up-sides and the down-sides of my previous circumstances and relationships, so am happy that I'm better of overall now than I was then. Your friend only sees the up-sides, so would be putting a lot of faith in his mental picture. I reckon a session in front of 'Brief Encounter' should see him right! (Ooh, aren't I in touch with my feminine side?! ) __________________

10-10-2007, 11:09	#20
Goochie Briskodian Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: Up a tree. Posts: 12,363 Members Car: Thanks: 7 Thanked 27 Times in 25 Posts	Re: friend in need of help Evaluating wether the grass is actually greener on the other side of the fence can be very difficult. We can all sit here discussing things and at the end of the day I think most of us will come to the same conclusion and offer pretty similar advice. A 'friend' of mine was recently in a similar situation and freely said that whilst he knew what he'd say if he was asked the question, it was so much harder when it was his own life. In his case he decided to stay on his side of the fence, because one patch of grass is pretty much like the next - and he can always keep looking over the fence and stay friends with the other party. In your case, they've clearly lived apart for some years without being a couple, and the guy has even married and started a family with another woman - so if he claims he loves this other girl - is he sure he doesnt "love her like a sister" (no, dont go there - you know what I mean)

10-10-2007, 11:25	#21
ZootyRS Frustrated Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: It's grim Posts: 1,948 Members Car: Passat by day, Octy RS by night Thanks: 18 Thanked 18 Times in 15 Posts	Re: friend in need of help The problem the original guy has is that he and the "other woman" have expressed their feelings for each other. I'm not sure it'll be possible to just be friends now - which they probably could have been had feelings not been shared. It may have to be all or nothing. As mentioned before, the love or lust question is key. In my limited experience the "so much it hurts" thing is usually lust. Love is different. __________________ My goal is to replace my soul with coffee and become immortal

14-10-2007, 00:02	#24
big k Briskodian Join Date: Apr 2003 Location: u.k Posts: 1,215 Members Car: that would be telling Thanks: 1 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post	Re: friend in need of help My friend thanks all of you for there thoughtful comments, He was never looking for an answer to be told what to do, he realises that only he can decide, he opened up and broke down the other day,now he's middle thirty's but thinks old school (men don't cry or show there feelings, and has a big big problem showing he's feelings they all lay inside of him and are unable to reach his mouth)He says that he's mentaly exhausted by all this, he feels that he has gone through hell and back going this way and then the next, he's gone through guilt,saddness,worthlessness,wished the ground would just open up and swallow him up, he looks at his 8 year old son and thinks to himself why an earth did you deserve to have a Ahole for dad for feeling the way he does, he also does the same for his wife,It was never a question of love or lust he doesn't give a flying F what any of them look like, just wanted/still does be apart of there lives share all the good/bad times etc.My friend has never even kissed a girl whilst being married let alone gone all the way (old school comes in again) although he has had many many opportunities. With all the things going on in the world today and ppl's with much bigger probs as he, he also feels embarresed that he should feel unhappy/moaning about such a trivial event. The girl in question's relationship is going ok and was never ment to be a kop out of that, as mentioned in a thread, (she has her reasons for telling him she feels the same) she has infact told my friend that she never ever wanted to get in the way of his marrige and that they should work on there marrige to make it good(btw he's marrige is o.k he would say he's neither happy or unhappy in it). To cut a long story short he's spoken to the "other woman" as much as he could (given he's inability to express him self) and thinks they have agreed to have there own lives and if they ever meet up in the middle by any chance then sobeit. He's still very emotional about it but hopes with time he can put this behind him. sorry about the long post ... my fingers are hurting now... once again my friend thanks all of you for your input in this very hard time for him. __________________ how can me find a jet engine for me rapid ?

14-10-2007, 06:11	#25
Stuart_J Briskodian Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Winchester Posts: 5,709 Members Car: Nissan 350Z Twin Turbo Also Octavia 1.9 TDI L&K & Superb td 140 Thanks: 39 Thanked 85 Times in 78 Posts	Re: friend in need of help Good call The grass always appears greener on the other side, odds are it isnt __________________ Speed is an addiction for which thankfully there is no cure

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