Tailhappy

In life we must all muddle along together, and to allow life to run as smooth as possible we moderate our behaviour and instincts. Now, some people seem proud to be ‘men of no nonsense’ and types who ‘speak their mind’ – in other words people who say and do what they want (they usually have loud voices too). They want an extension, but the neighbours don’t – but due to a bombardment of paperwork and expenditure they usually get that extension whilst the quiet neighbour just gives up in the end to put an end to it.

If everyone was pushy like this, nothing would ever get done – it would end up with no-one backing down and much arguing. There would probably be loads more wars as well.

So, what of the quieter people? Herein lays my problem…

I find that due to others demands and feelings I am getting pushed more and more into just saying things to keep the peace and any thoughts of what I really want to do are completely getting smothered. I never feel better ‘fighting back for what I want’ as arguing is never constructive – just brings up bad feelings and blood pressure. But doing this continual ‘moderating’ is very tiring – pre visualising everything I say and running it through a mental checker is hard work.

I am wondering what options there are – ignoring people, staying totally quiet or something else?

Any thoughts or opinions much appreciated.

TH

Shifty

I speak my mind.... That doesnt mean I am loud though, or that I alway get what I want. I do tend to do what I want though. It's maybe a selfish attitude, some would say it's definately a selfish attitude. My view is this - you really do only live once, so make the most of the life you have. Don't let other people spoil your life. There is no harm in speaking your mind where you feel it necessary.

I guess the advice I am giving is this:
If you are in a situation that you feel is taking away your enjoyment of life, say something. Givig somebody your view on whatever matter concerns you doesnt always start an arguement.

__________________

djswivel

I just walk away. If it's an issue between two other people and they're attempting to get me to moderate it, I walk and tell them that they should sort it themselves.

I never used to walk, but having been royally screwed over I now try not to get involved at all.

__________________

http://www.myspace.com/lackofpower

heresmo

Hi Tailhappy.

My observations of life are:

For work environments:

It's better to fight only important battles.

Back off and stop worrying about decisions others are determined to take. If you disagree, you're being negative.

What many do is always to appear positive: "That's a wonderful idea!" Followed by, "I can see that would work, especially as you'll already have worked out how to deal with xyz if it arises. What's in place to deal with that situation?" Make sure you're questioning a major aspect(s) rather than appearing to nitpick the detail of someone's "visionary" idea.

It's also usual to have "side bars" away from the discussion table afterwards. Sometimes writing a review (capable of being presented if requested) is a good idea so that both the good points, bad points and possible or alternative solutions are shown. A very good aide memoir and a good way of making sure you know you can substantiate your thoughts, rather than relying on hyperbole or unhelpful expressions like "It just won't work".

If things go belly up, don't say "I could have told you it would," or peeps will want to know why you didn't say so at the time (even though you probably did). Thus either "you" are a smartarse or it's your fault for not speaking up. Can't win that one.

For personal things:

The worst result is a stand-off which is when things can get personal so losing the topic focus.

As djswivel said, keep out if not involved since for any position you take there will be an implied criticism of one or other of the parties.

Some people are adept at going deaf, changing the subject, "Can we talk about this later?" The last is good because the first person will have calmed down and thought a bit more and the second person can consider the proposal and decide on a measured rather than reactive response. Besides, listening without jumping in or committing to anything means you will hear most the arguments "for" so have a better idea of how to respond.

Some people are adept at compromise re wishlist items, e.g. you can have that if I can have this (not necessarily at the same time).


There yer go. As Shifty says, if you are positive about your own requirements, perhaps get those in first so that others appear to be arguing against yours, rather than being passive all the time and so appearing to argue with others' ideas.

Regarding being aggressive - there's more than one way to skin a cat

If it's a lack of confidence you're starting to have (not suggesting it is), write down some of your strong points, e.g.

I'm as determined as others.

My views are as important as others' views.

I propose ideas based on potentially successful results.

Bullying tactics don't turn a bad idea into a good one - I can see that.

There are loads more...

Perhaps the worst thing is to worry retrospectively - can't think of a better cause of stress

Hope this helps and hope also that others will feel free to pick up and pull apart anything I've said above.

Regards
Mo

__________________

Tailhappy

Thank you for taking the time to answer. I really appreciate any thoughts as I kind of have had enough.

TH

pixi

If this is really bothering you and you want to change, how about some assertiveness training? Getting your point across in an assertive way is not about arguing or conflict.

I have to speak my mind at work, but do this in a non confrontational manner and I am comfortable with it. I do prefer to be around people/colleagues that speak their minds (in an appropriate way) as I find you know exactly where you are and I respect people for this. Those that shout, scream and spit the dummy don't get my respect. I think as I've got older I have found there is nothing wrong with telling people exactly how you feel.

__________________